publishedAt: 2018-02-16T08:00:00.000Z
slug: “assertiveness-in-practice” Assertiveness helps us deal with other people’s anger. What can you do when someone is raging and focusing all their hostility on you? You can try this approach:
- Allow the angry person to release their strong emotions
- Initially respond to them only with understanding: “I can see you’re really angry about this”
- Take a deep breath and try to stay calm
- Give time to cool down - suggest that you discuss the problem that so angered your interlocutor in a moment: “I think we both need time to think this through. I would like to talk about it with you in a moment / an hour / tomorrow.”
- Focus on the problem, not the anger - look for solutions instead of deciding who is to blame for this situation.
What to do when someone violates our boundaries?
In situations where someone behaves toward you in a way you don’t want, you can use the following four-step approach (subsequent steps are taken only if the previous ones didn’t work).
Step I. Describe the situation - don’t focus on your emotions, but say what you see and hear. Remember that facts are hard to argue with. Mention the difficulties and limitations in this situation. “You come here and start shouting at me from the doorway. It’s hard for me to understand what you want.”
Step II. Set a boundary: “I don’t agree to… (your behavior).” “Please stop insulting me.” Suggest addressing the matter at hand: “What should we discuss regarding…”
Step III. Announce consequences: “If you don’t stop… then I will…” Don’t make empty threats - consequences must be real and significant.
Step IV. Execute consequences
Read Also
- What is Assertiveness? Definition, Techniques, and Significance in Communication
- What is Assertiveness? Definition, Techniques, and Significance in Communication
Read also
- Assertiveness in Professional Environment — Comprehensive Guide
- What is Assertiveness? Definition, Techniques, and Significance in Communication
- Assertiveness at Work - How to Set Boundaries and Take Care of Your Needs?
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Frequently Asked Questions
What is the best way to respond when someone directs their anger at me?
Allow the person to release their initial emotions without interrupting. Acknowledge their feelings with a statement like “I can see you are really angry about this,” then suggest revisiting the issue once both parties have had time to cool down. Focus on solving the underlying problem rather than assigning blame.
How do I set boundaries without escalating the conflict?
Use a fact-based approach by calmly describing the specific behavior you find unacceptable, stating your boundary clearly, and suggesting a constructive next step. Avoid accusatory language and keep your tone neutral. Escalate consequences only if the person continues to violate your stated boundary.
What should I do if the four-step boundary approach does not work?
If describing the situation, setting a boundary, and announcing consequences still do not produce change, you must follow through on the consequences you stated. Failing to act undermines your credibility in future interactions. In persistent cases, involve a supervisor or HR department for additional support.
Can I practice assertiveness techniques in low-risk situations before using them at work?
Absolutely. Practicing in everyday situations, such as returning an incorrect order or expressing a preference in a group setting, helps build confidence. These low-stakes interactions allow you to refine your tone, body language, and phrasing before applying the same techniques in more demanding professional scenarios.